Grieving and Goodbyes

Don't worry. No great misfortune has come upon me. Rather, I have come across many people who rehash their feelings for years, trapped in their own sadness and overwhelmed by their inability to control their emotions towards another person. In a recent conversation with a number of friends, I've recognized this pattern of behavior. Months of yearning and pining towards others that are unattainable or impossible.

I understand this sentiment. I have fallen victim to the anguish that accompanies the loss of a relationship that will never materialize. I can recall falling to my knees in sorrow, attempting whole-heartedly to find a solution, and relishing in every moment with that person like it was the last. In some ways, it's good to feel deeply. I always say, the stronger the emotions during the day, the better the day. It helps us remember and distinguish moments from the mundane, both good and bad. Anyhow, I digress...

Yes, it is good to feel strong emotions. As a friend put it to me today, when you are grieving for the loss of someone (speaking literally of death), it's healthy to feel emotions and recognize them. I absolutely agree with this sentiment, but after a short time, after death, we want to stop feeling so awful. We start to want to wake up feeling restored.

Many a time, I have heard relationship stories of people getting caught in a cycle of sadness over a relationship. It lasts weeks or months. Yes, healing time is important, but how much of that time is genuine attempts to lift the self up and say, "I don't want to feel bad anymore, I want to feel better again"? I would argue, rarely. We might commonly say, "I want this feeling to go away. And I'm going to reconcile it by trying to make myself available to my ex-lover", which of course only begins the spiral of destruction again.

I have begun to think that many single people I meet, "grieving" over a lost lover, may actually enjoy this feeling of self pity. Are we truly, at the root, emotionally masochistic? Do we some how gain something from our yearning?

Logic.

Ex-lover = pain. Pain <>Subtracting ex-lover from life yields feeling healthy. Because feeling healthy is better than pain!

Masochistic logic.

Ex-lover + pain = feeling healthy. Adding ex-lover and pain to life yields feeling healthy. Because having my ex-lover and having pain is going to make me feel healthy.

Maybe I shouldn't try to use math to explain this. The idea is that in maso-mode, we determine that attention from our ex-lover will somehow make things better and that our sorrow and tears will somehow help us regain the attention of a lover (or partners, "would-like-to-be" relationships or "we-can't-happen-in-the-long-run" couples). Think of it this way. It's like putting lemon juice in an open wound and thinking it's going to help it heal. Instead, we ought to put a band-aid over it, and not open it back up until the wound has healed.

In the death of a friend or family member, our tears do help us. However, after some time we realize that we HAVE to move on. We have to remember the experience and memories of that person and take that as it is. I recommend we take this practice more into our impossible relationships, recognize the truth and start waking up saying, "I don't want to feel this way anymore. I can make this day better".

Experiences for the Senses

So, I've mentioned before that I love to make lists. I keep a list of all the things I love in life. They are not the bad lists that teens make that are similar to the "top 5" favorites... etc, etc. The teen example below:

5 things I love

1. My family

2. My friends

3. My cellphone

4. My computer

5. My cat, Binky

(and I also want to add my totally cool pair of sketchers!!)

No. Not that list.

The list I keep helps me preserve my favorite sense memories. Many items of my list do not include actual people in my life, nor solely material items. I try to keep a list of simple pleasures that are rendered throughout the seasons. My list also includes items that give me a sense of warmth and pure happiness. They are not extravagant items, nor are they cheesy, shallow points either. Here's a few items:

The smell of burning leaves

Sleeping in on rainy days

Taking photographs with an SLR camera

Singing on an acoustic guitar

Decoding Shakespeare

Why do I keep this list? I think it's useful to store away memories of simple pleasures. To keep a running tally of the beautiful things in life. We get so caught up in the daily rush that we literally forget to "smell the roses" (which was likely at one time on someone's list as a favorite thing). I also like going back to it to remind me that there are simple things in life that surround me all the time, or things I can do to make myself find a place of serenity, if needed.

Very cute.

Perfection and Dating

I see you as perfect.

Never date someone you see as "perfect". First, if you view someone as "perfect", you are therefore putting them on a pedestal, proud of what you have gained and see them as an item to show off to your friends and family. You will initially be blinded by what you see and may accept their mistreatment or cruelty to you.

Second, the "perfect" person will inevitability do something not-so-perfect. Something that will entirely gross you out, shock you, or shake your whole opinion of them. The "perfect" person image is fragile - and likely to be destroyed far too easily.

Third, when one person in a relationship is seen as "perfect", there is inherently a satisfaction with the relationship. This person is already at 100% so there is little need for the growth or change. Growth and change is the foundation for helping to create a positive and deeper relationship. Thinking someone is perfect immediately endangers the relationship.

You see me as perfect.

How awful would it be on the other side to live up the expectations or images that have been placed upon you by your significant other? If someone is being perceived as perfect, then the relationship isn't on the same page, and likely isn't balanced, especially if the perfection image is only being projected on one person. A single person can't carry the weight of expectation. If someone accepts it, then they are probably egotistical and not quite invested in the relationship for the interest of the other person.

We're perfect together!

In using the word "perfect", the real goal is to find someone that is perfect for you. After all, no one is perfect, but the goal is to find someone that works well for you, not fulfill every fantasy that you have decided upon. You should both be accepting of each others' mistakes and flaws, continue to grow together and keep each other honest.

Travels

I have been traveling recently and I'd like to reflect on a few thoughts that I have been contemplating about traveling alone. While I have most often had the company of another, I have had several days walking about, mostly on my own. There are many more reflections to be made about my travels, but I shall keep it to general musings for now.

Firstly, a good map is essential. In one city, I had a great map - in fact, I hardly ever felt lost or directionally confused. In another city, the map I used was vague and unspecified. I have had a very hard time enjoying my stay or feeling welcome when grappling with the navigational challenges.

Here's a few thoughts I wrote down while sitting at a cafe:

"I like traveling alone because more people talk to you. I met a man from who grew up just outside my hometown and one of the curators talked to me for several minutes suggesting things for me to see and places to eat. "

"While I will not show up in as many pictures of my travels since I'm alone - I have much more time for reflection. I can go at my own pace, sit when I like, drink when I like, write when I like. People talk to you and especially out here are incredibly friendly. They will look you in the eye and smile".

"Is it ever too early for gelato? The answer is no. Traveling by myself is quiet - I miss the push of motivation that group travel exerts. But by myself I'm a little lazier, a little more content with carving out a little spot to relax. It's true - I might not see as much but I do get to languish in the idea that it's never too early to enjoy coffee and gelato at 1:00pm in the afternoon."

I also realized the importance of a travel buddy, as I have had two that have accompanied me during various intervals. One was easy going, patient, relaxed and go-with-the-flow. The other was impatient, nervous, and all to eager to plan. My experience with the first was a much more pleasant experience that that of the second. Patience is key - understanding that mistakes are likely to occur while traveling and not hurrying for any particular reason will make the travel process more adventurous and enjoyable.

The Stuff at the End of the Night

Things. Stuff. Possessions.

We have them everywhere. We collect bits of things as we go. As we grow older we expand our space, thus our things expand with us. "Well, I really should have a small table to fill this space. It would be nice to have this cooking utensil. Since my last dvd player broke, I might as well get a new one". And it begins.

I realize that I used to pride myself on being able to fit my whole life in a car. I could pick up and go, if I really wanted. My life was a simple as a few suitcases and a couple of boxes. Somehow, that has changed.

I'm going to be moving soon, into a small space, and I look forward to adjust my lifestyle. Time to go back to the basics.

Life doesn't get easier with more stuff. It just serves as a placeholder. Trade in the stuff for stronger relationships. Start collecting interesting stories, instead of kitchen utensils. Don't buy the new dvd player, but close all the browser windows on your computer, pop in a dvd and cozy in with a friend.

At the end of the night, all the "stuff" doesn't mean you are richer or that it is somehow a comfort at the end of the day. It's better to love one thing that you use everyday, then barely care about the multitude of things that you hardly use or see.

Provoking the beast.

Is it ever fair to hurt someone in order to gain something for yourself? I ask myself this question as I think about my past actions and my own personal philosophy. I believe in giving. I'm a giver in almost all senses of the word. I like to cook in order to share with other people. I like to share stories in hopes of bringing others joy or education. I like to do favors because as much as it helps the other, it makes me feel good too.

Is there ever a time when giving reaches a threshold? I wonder about what I've given to someone else, in exchange for my own happiness. In some ways, it's a sacrifice to give someone happiness even though you're internally struggling. As a friend of mine said recently, "I can get over it. If I give that person the chance to be happy (like with someone else), then I've helped multiply the happiness". In some sense, isn't that what's it all about (and no, do not insert Hokey-Pokey joke here)?

On the contrary, recently another friend of mine asked me, "Aren't we deep down selfish beings?". I told him I don't believe we are. He claimed that in order to get what one wants, it likely involves hurting someone else. He wasn't meaning in a horrible way; He meant it in an awareness to the absence way. So, one has to know pain, before they appreciate health. One has to know sadness, before they appreciate the happiness... and, in his opinion, one has to know jealousy, before one appreciates the things already possessed. Bringing around that kind of awareness has to involve evoking and awaking a beast of another kind.

So which do I believe? I struggle to hurt others on the path to victory, while I realize that letting someone go may mean a sacrifice for myself. Philosophically, as a giver, I cannot condone using and hurting others as a means to get what I want -- even if it brings me the ultimate happiness. I cannot awake the beast of jealousy for my own needs. I leave that kind of action for the villains.

"But seeming so, for my peculiar end:

For when my outward action doth demonstrate

The native act and figure of my heart

In compliment extern, 'tis not long after

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve

For daws to peck at: I am not what I am."

- Iago, Othello

Reinforcement

In my field, we talk a lot about reinforcement: how we act towards another to encourage a specific type of behavior. This makes me consider my life and the kind of behavior that we consciously, and unconsciously, redeem with our attention. We do it everywhere. Think about the last time you had a conversation with a friend. You probably looked them in the eye, smiled, and demonstrated behavior that you were listening, right? You reinforced their dialogue with behavior that indicated that you cared and were interested in what they were saying.

I think about how we often treat each other in relationships. We reinforce a love interest by responding to their text messages or calls... and sometimes we do this with people that we aren't interested in at all. There are cases where we reinforce a behavior merely because we enjoy the attention. We let them buy us a drink or agree to have lunch (we're just hanging out as friends, right?). We reinforce behaviors without much conscious appraisal of its meaning.

We also engage in activities of reinforcement for non-pleasant areas like re-hashing the same fight over and over again - exemplifying that, yes, you do want to keep fighting about it because you're not ready to walk away yet. When trying to separate from someone that we don't want to leave, it's reinforcing behaviors (even negative ones like re-hashing a fight) that give us cause to stay.

What are other ways that you reinforce people with your behavior? Are you reinforcing others in a positive way or a negative way?

Thriving NightLife

There is a painting by Archibald Motley, Jr. called Nightlife. This painting has deep, vibrant colors which seems to indicate an underground society of people. Motley seems to represent these people as they are in the height of the evening, with everyone in the room appearing to be swinging: the band, the dancers, even the bartender seems to have a sway in his hips. The painting is loud and one can hear the music oozing out from it's frame. Some people interpret the painting merely as a representation of the nightlife, while others see it as a demonstration of a marginalized group that is seeking escape from an ironically darker world that exists beyond the walls of the club. I tend to believe that it is both a vision of a nightclub and that there may be some escapism that is represented. But what I love about this painting is that there are characters. The painting evokes the emotions of the characters; Emotions of release, enjoyment, pleasure, beckoning, surprise and mourning.

Dancing, in the classic sense, happens rarely at night clubs. Most people if they want to engage in dancing like tango, swing or salsa, have to seek out these opportunities. I happen to seek out tango dancing and I love this painting because the experiences I have always align with how I imagine the scene of "Nightlife" to be like.

At the tango/salsa nights, there are certainly characters. Each of the dancers have a unique style and personality. Some of dramatic, others simple and technically. The tango is about listening to your partner, responding and connecting with a surface intimacy. There are moments of quick steps and movements, but then slow shifting of weights. The atmosphere is almost always dark and dim candles light the table as dancers switch in and out of partners. But as the night goes on (even to 1am, like in the painting), the tango music ends and the salsa begins. This is the part of the evening that reminds me most of "Nightlife". The floor is cramped, the dancers are quick. The right partners will twirl you about the floor, moving his hips while synchronizing yours. There are crowds gathered about the bar, and groups that sit at tables gleefully or sadly watching the dancers on the floor. Dancers mingle, numbers are traded. The experience of a night dance club is remarkable. It is quite a bit like this painting: hot, vivid, undulating and secretive.

Ratio of Familiarity

Last night, I had almost resigned myself to the couch and a movie. I decided that if that were to be the state of things, I ought to investigate if there was anyone else that might be destined for the same fate on a Friday night. Turns out, there were a few friends that were interested in also refusing the alluring call of the couch. Upon going out, I introduced my miscellaneous friends and it turned out to be a lovely evening out. Exactly what I was hoping for: a cozy pub, good company, interesting conversation, beer that asked to be sipped, not gulped, and ended in the ever-delicious eggplant frites (with balsamic honey - it's heaven on a plate.).

It's completely worth it to reach out to those outside the normal "crew" of friends and find a good night by connecting people. It's joyful to bring people together, and equally enjoyable to spend time with new faces.

New faces are great ways to invigorate the self, but connecting to new people has to be strategically planned. New people should be introduced in ratios that facilitate a connection. If one person is introduced to a group of people that are already friends, this doesn't create an open passage for meeting. Why? Let me provide you with an example that follows the correct ratio:

Jillian invites her two friends, Fred and Sally out. Fred and Sally don't know each other, but they both have a steady friendship with Jillian. Fred also brings along his friend, Bill - who doesn't know Jillian. When they show up at the bar, Jillian recognizes Bill, an acquaintance she met last week through another friend.

Looking at the above example, all parties involved in this meeting are almost equally distributed in familiarity with each other. Jillian, as the person in the center of the connections, is a pivot point in conversations because she has the ability to lend conversations to the two unrelated parties: Fred and Sally. With the exception of Jillian, each person has at least one person they are familiar with and at least two connections that are unknown.

In the previous example, a person entering a group of people who all know each other, the ratio of familiarity is skewed. The group has no immediate reason to get to know this new person ("I'm surrounded by several people I already know") and the person entering the group has little to connect to ("You are in a comfortable state, I am in an uncomfortable state").

Essentially, a little bit of uncertainly and unfamiliarity helps us build connections with each other. We can recognize that there is an immediate distance and then what transpires during the gathering is an experience that this new group can share and connect to together. There are also the presence of some familiar relationships that help put us at ease. When the ratio of familiarity is balanced, there is a stronger likelihood of developing stronger, more intimate relationships.

Day of Nothingness

So, today I sat at my kitchen table and browsed the internet from about 9am - 2pm. I also managed to make a pot of soup, clean my kitchen and make a bowl of Alfredo noodles. In most cases, I would look at this day and think, "My goodness, what a wasted day. I didn't get anything done". But I'm letting myself have this day of nothingness because every so often we need these quiet days of lounging and relaxation. I think that most detrimental element to ourselves on days like these is the little voice in our heads that are telling us, "I'm going to pay for this later".

I will most likely wake up tomorrow and wish that I had accomplished more today, but the best solution for avoiding such internal guilt is to turn off the nagging voice in your head and be okay with relaxing. Make the choice to do nothing -- it will make you feel more empowered and comfortable in the decision. Beating yourself up for the occasional distractions only makes yourself unhappy. Everyone needs days like this.

I'm so grateful that I have this quiet, cozy apartment that allows me to do what I please without someone walking around reminding me that I ought to be productive, or scornfully look down on my choice to make food in place of writing an important assignment. My "me" time is all mine - and it is long, silent, peaceful, nothing but "me" time.

Lists

I love lists. I'm a chronic, avid, compulsive list-maker. Why do I love lists so much? Here is a list of why I love lists:

1. Lists allow me to put ideas, thoughts, actions in one comprehensive place. Each thought is clearly defined in it's individual way, but also belong to a group of others that are exactly like it.

2. Lists make sense of jumbled thoughts. It's too hard to keep tracking of everything and lists divide jobs into management steps.

3. Lists are easy to read.

4. Lists can be long or short.

5. Lists can be formal, or scrawled on a scrap piece of paper.

6. Lists can push you in the direction of action. They are generally not meant to sit around, but to cross of items that henceforth offer a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction.

7. Lists are wonderful reminders for the forgetful or absent-minded (like myself).

Recently, I've been contemplating the items that I've "claimed" I can do because I'm single, but I'm not sure I've actually done any of them! So, ladies and gentlemen, here a list of items that I resolve to put to action.

1. Travel alone at a moment's notice.

2. Cooking exotic foods .... and possibly fail.

3. Go to a movie by myself.

4. Spend extra money on something frivolous (like a drop-dead gorgeous dress).

5. Move out of the state for a job.

6. Buy some... ahem, toys.

7. Find time to volunteer for an organization outside of my career.

8. Talk to more strangers.

9. Develop an additional circle of friends.

10. Join couchsurfing.com and host people.

11. Develop a "second-life" plan - aka what I'm going to do after my first career.

12. Learn how to change a tire.

Hm, this is a pretty good list and also fairly "cross-off-able". I'll occasionally be posting updates on the progress. There are probably even more that I'm forgetting about (hence the need for the list), so please, add any thoughts in the comments section! Extra points if it is in list-format.

Self-interest vs. Selfishness

I had a conversation with a friend two nights ago about the difference between acting out of selfishness, and making choices for one's self-interest. I contemplated this thought in the framework of relationships.

I think about the times when I've been selfish in relationships. For example, when I was young and hopelessly naive in college, I insisted that my ex did not need to take medicine to help his psychiatric condition. Somehow, I believed that we loved each other and I would be able to help him be "cured" of any mental instability. This, of course, was not true. I learned a hard lesson through that relationship and learned that selfishness and egotistic attitudes are highly detrimental to two people - a reflection that is so painfully obvious that it's embarrassing to admit even now.

A different kind of selfishness can exist in a relationship where one party continues to pursue the other for reasons none other than to avoid being lonely or to fulfill a sex drive. These are the ones where we find ourselves after a breakup wondering how long this person "kept us around for" or wondering why we are involved without any serious commitment or at least, a conversation about the status of the relationship. We normally feel used. Why? Because there was no consideration to way we felt -- this other person was being completely selfish.

However, there are those occasions where acting for our best self-interest can be perceived as selfishness. In one relationship I had, I walked away from it because things were becoming too settled, too comfortable and much too soon. If I didn't leave, then I would be missing out on experiences and opportunities that I couldn't do while in a relationship. We both had different outlooks for the future and I had to recognize that staying in the relationship would mean giving up opportunities that would allow me to grow and learn about my identify and life choices. He shouted at me, as I loaded my car with a box of my things from his apartment, "You are the most selfish person I know". Was I though? Was leaving him behind to explore myself selfish?

Had I not left, my life would not have shaped the way that it has today. Since that time I have explored and identified understandings of myself that I would never have known if I hadn't walked away. No, I was not selfish. Being selfish would have meant staying in that relationship for the sake of appeasing him and possibly destroying our relationship further down in the long-run. No, this was a case of acting for my best self-interest.

Selfishness means acting only for the self and not taking into consideration the feelings and outcomes for another person. Self-interest means balancing one's own needs with the maintenance of another relationship. For example, walking away to avoid hurting someone later is acting in one's self-interest. A) One's own desires are reached and B) Maintaining the respect of another person's emotions may yield a positive relationship later down the road.

Being single is not about being selfish. Often, it is acting in one's best self-interest. I'm sure many people have experienced the feeling of being with someone just to have someone (selfish). Choosing to be single (or not settling on someone who is "okay") is acting in one's self-interest. Why bother with the heartbreak or formalities of a separation from someone that you are keeping around just to have someone? Be happier single and don't settle. It's in your best interest.

More than just a window and a wall.

One of the major problems of living alone is the fear of intruders. Last night I got out of my car and started to walk across the parking lot, when I heard this rustling. I turned around and saw this man in a hoodie holding what looked to be a beer or pop can, that appeared abruptly. I don't know whether I imagined it or not, but it seems that he was looking my direction and traveling along same path as me across the parking lot. I booked it towards the apartment building, my heart racing until I made it inside. I nervously stood inside my entrance, listening for signs of someone entering the building, but heard none. I was scared to turn on lights because if he were standing outside the building he would know which apartment was mine.

My heart was thumping and although I didn't hear any suspicious noises, I was somewhat shaken. I tried to crawl into bed later in the evening, but my thoughts and fears prevented me from sleeping soundly.

So here is one of those moments, when being single is not a great place to be. It would have been nice to have someone at home to help fill the empty space and eerily quiet air. Someone that could make me feel protected and less alone. Someone to wrap his arms around me and tell me that I'm safe -- so more than just a window and a wall stands between me and the outside intruders. To feel another body moving around, or hear sounds that are comfortable and familiar. Someone to hold me close and relinquish fearful thoughts of helplessness in the face of danger.

Lighting the Fire.

Today I celebrate my independence as I succeeded in lighting fireplace sans ex-boyfriend. In previous times, I would either:

A. Use an "Easy-lite" wood logs that can be purchased for $5.99 and do not release any wonderful smell or aesthetic quality.

B. Proclaim the need for help and coerce my ex to come over and "help me light my fire [place]". Yes, I know. It sounds like a Doors cover-up for something more than just fireplace use.

Today it was rainy and chilling outside and I wanted nothing more than to smell the oak-y scent of firewood and feel the warmth radiating from the center of my apartment. I considered calling over the expertise of my ex, but knew I was asking for trouble. The testiment of being single is will power. Say it with me: I will not fall back on someone for the sake of ease, comfortability or confidence. I am completely capable of achieving what I want, when I want, and by myself!

See the results!

Not Breaking the Eggs

The other day I came home from an exhausting day at work after a trip to the grocery store. That particular day required me to have a large amount of materials that I toted around from site to site. As I parked outside my apartment, I glanced over at the mountain of materials that resided in the passenger side. Here was the line-up:

7 grocery bags

2 boots

1 bin of papers

1 backpack

1 totebag

I thought that if in this moment I had someone to help me carry in everything, there was a higher likelihood that I would not need to take several trips. Exhausted from the day, and not interested in lugging everything in with several trips, I decided that despite being alone, I could just as easily take everything in. On my own.

So I loaded up - and began slowly wobbling towards the entrance to my apartment building. Feeling weighted down by the baggage (no, this is not a metaphor), moving at the speed of a turtle and looking a bit like an overweight tightrope walker I managed to balance all of the junk and safely make it into my apartment despite dropping my boots once (ok, maybe twice).

As I relieved myself of all the bags the second I got inside, a horrible thought dawned on me. I had one bag with canned goods and one bag of eggs that had been hitting up against each other my entire journey from the car. The eggs were probably broken and a huge mess had probably dispensed itself all over the other bags. If I had someone else to help me bring all this in, this wouldn't have been an issue. Or maybe if I hadn't been so proud and not insisted that I had to bring it all in at once!

I cautiously peeked inside the grocery bag that held the eggs. I opened up the egg casing and let out a big sigh of relief. The eggs were safe, not a single one broken!

So there it was. These small daily tasks that we fear doing along can be done with a little faith and resolve. It feels better to know that the tough daily tasks can be completed independently. I can make it inside without breaking the eggs.

Purpose

The idea of starting a blog is somewhat daunting. Who will listen? Who would be interested in my thoughts? Have I ever been passion enough about one single thing in which I can confess my opinions all over the internet?

I considered the cathartic use of a blog and if there is one topic that I can talk about with friends and relatives for hours, it's love and relationships. I know what you're thinking. Oh no, another horridly heart-broken woman about to scream her frustrations and baggage in whiny cries over and over like a dying cat in the early hours of the morning. If that was in fact what you were thinking, then you'd be wrong.

This blog is not about heart break, or certainly not just my heartbreak. It's not about how to get that man (or woman) back into your life and it's certainly not about sex -- well, this is not my intention currently.

No, this is blog about living life as a single person and how that status can be both rewarding and difficult. How being single can have it moments of genius and it's moment of stupidity. It's a blog about reflecting on what is in our lives and how to fill it with exciting and interesting activities.

I realized that I have a lot to share on this topic and I hope that someone out there can reap the benefit of reflecting and connecting their own lives to my small daily observations.

So until next time...