Self-interest vs. Selfishness

I had a conversation with a friend two nights ago about the difference between acting out of selfishness, and making choices for one's self-interest. I contemplated this thought in the framework of relationships.

I think about the times when I've been selfish in relationships. For example, when I was young and hopelessly naive in college, I insisted that my ex did not need to take medicine to help his psychiatric condition. Somehow, I believed that we loved each other and I would be able to help him be "cured" of any mental instability. This, of course, was not true. I learned a hard lesson through that relationship and learned that selfishness and egotistic attitudes are highly detrimental to two people - a reflection that is so painfully obvious that it's embarrassing to admit even now.

A different kind of selfishness can exist in a relationship where one party continues to pursue the other for reasons none other than to avoid being lonely or to fulfill a sex drive. These are the ones where we find ourselves after a breakup wondering how long this person "kept us around for" or wondering why we are involved without any serious commitment or at least, a conversation about the status of the relationship. We normally feel used. Why? Because there was no consideration to way we felt -- this other person was being completely selfish.

However, there are those occasions where acting for our best self-interest can be perceived as selfishness. In one relationship I had, I walked away from it because things were becoming too settled, too comfortable and much too soon. If I didn't leave, then I would be missing out on experiences and opportunities that I couldn't do while in a relationship. We both had different outlooks for the future and I had to recognize that staying in the relationship would mean giving up opportunities that would allow me to grow and learn about my identify and life choices. He shouted at me, as I loaded my car with a box of my things from his apartment, "You are the most selfish person I know". Was I though? Was leaving him behind to explore myself selfish?

Had I not left, my life would not have shaped the way that it has today. Since that time I have explored and identified understandings of myself that I would never have known if I hadn't walked away. No, I was not selfish. Being selfish would have meant staying in that relationship for the sake of appeasing him and possibly destroying our relationship further down in the long-run. No, this was a case of acting for my best self-interest.

Selfishness means acting only for the self and not taking into consideration the feelings and outcomes for another person. Self-interest means balancing one's own needs with the maintenance of another relationship. For example, walking away to avoid hurting someone later is acting in one's self-interest. A) One's own desires are reached and B) Maintaining the respect of another person's emotions may yield a positive relationship later down the road.

Being single is not about being selfish. Often, it is acting in one's best self-interest. I'm sure many people have experienced the feeling of being with someone just to have someone (selfish). Choosing to be single (or not settling on someone who is "okay") is acting in one's self-interest. Why bother with the heartbreak or formalities of a separation from someone that you are keeping around just to have someone? Be happier single and don't settle. It's in your best interest.

More than just a window and a wall.

One of the major problems of living alone is the fear of intruders. Last night I got out of my car and started to walk across the parking lot, when I heard this rustling. I turned around and saw this man in a hoodie holding what looked to be a beer or pop can, that appeared abruptly. I don't know whether I imagined it or not, but it seems that he was looking my direction and traveling along same path as me across the parking lot. I booked it towards the apartment building, my heart racing until I made it inside. I nervously stood inside my entrance, listening for signs of someone entering the building, but heard none. I was scared to turn on lights because if he were standing outside the building he would know which apartment was mine.

My heart was thumping and although I didn't hear any suspicious noises, I was somewhat shaken. I tried to crawl into bed later in the evening, but my thoughts and fears prevented me from sleeping soundly.

So here is one of those moments, when being single is not a great place to be. It would have been nice to have someone at home to help fill the empty space and eerily quiet air. Someone that could make me feel protected and less alone. Someone to wrap his arms around me and tell me that I'm safe -- so more than just a window and a wall stands between me and the outside intruders. To feel another body moving around, or hear sounds that are comfortable and familiar. Someone to hold me close and relinquish fearful thoughts of helplessness in the face of danger.

Lighting the Fire.

Today I celebrate my independence as I succeeded in lighting fireplace sans ex-boyfriend. In previous times, I would either:

A. Use an "Easy-lite" wood logs that can be purchased for $5.99 and do not release any wonderful smell or aesthetic quality.

B. Proclaim the need for help and coerce my ex to come over and "help me light my fire [place]". Yes, I know. It sounds like a Doors cover-up for something more than just fireplace use.

Today it was rainy and chilling outside and I wanted nothing more than to smell the oak-y scent of firewood and feel the warmth radiating from the center of my apartment. I considered calling over the expertise of my ex, but knew I was asking for trouble. The testiment of being single is will power. Say it with me: I will not fall back on someone for the sake of ease, comfortability or confidence. I am completely capable of achieving what I want, when I want, and by myself!

See the results!

Not Breaking the Eggs

The other day I came home from an exhausting day at work after a trip to the grocery store. That particular day required me to have a large amount of materials that I toted around from site to site. As I parked outside my apartment, I glanced over at the mountain of materials that resided in the passenger side. Here was the line-up:

7 grocery bags

2 boots

1 bin of papers

1 backpack

1 totebag

I thought that if in this moment I had someone to help me carry in everything, there was a higher likelihood that I would not need to take several trips. Exhausted from the day, and not interested in lugging everything in with several trips, I decided that despite being alone, I could just as easily take everything in. On my own.

So I loaded up - and began slowly wobbling towards the entrance to my apartment building. Feeling weighted down by the baggage (no, this is not a metaphor), moving at the speed of a turtle and looking a bit like an overweight tightrope walker I managed to balance all of the junk and safely make it into my apartment despite dropping my boots once (ok, maybe twice).

As I relieved myself of all the bags the second I got inside, a horrible thought dawned on me. I had one bag with canned goods and one bag of eggs that had been hitting up against each other my entire journey from the car. The eggs were probably broken and a huge mess had probably dispensed itself all over the other bags. If I had someone else to help me bring all this in, this wouldn't have been an issue. Or maybe if I hadn't been so proud and not insisted that I had to bring it all in at once!

I cautiously peeked inside the grocery bag that held the eggs. I opened up the egg casing and let out a big sigh of relief. The eggs were safe, not a single one broken!

So there it was. These small daily tasks that we fear doing along can be done with a little faith and resolve. It feels better to know that the tough daily tasks can be completed independently. I can make it inside without breaking the eggs.

Purpose

The idea of starting a blog is somewhat daunting. Who will listen? Who would be interested in my thoughts? Have I ever been passion enough about one single thing in which I can confess my opinions all over the internet?

I considered the cathartic use of a blog and if there is one topic that I can talk about with friends and relatives for hours, it's love and relationships. I know what you're thinking. Oh no, another horridly heart-broken woman about to scream her frustrations and baggage in whiny cries over and over like a dying cat in the early hours of the morning. If that was in fact what you were thinking, then you'd be wrong.

This blog is not about heart break, or certainly not just my heartbreak. It's not about how to get that man (or woman) back into your life and it's certainly not about sex -- well, this is not my intention currently.

No, this is blog about living life as a single person and how that status can be both rewarding and difficult. How being single can have it moments of genius and it's moment of stupidity. It's a blog about reflecting on what is in our lives and how to fill it with exciting and interesting activities.

I realized that I have a lot to share on this topic and I hope that someone out there can reap the benefit of reflecting and connecting their own lives to my small daily observations.

So until next time...