Grieving and Goodbyes

Don't worry. No great misfortune has come upon me. Rather, I have come across many people who rehash their feelings for years, trapped in their own sadness and overwhelmed by their inability to control their emotions towards another person. In a recent conversation with a number of friends, I've recognized this pattern of behavior. Months of yearning and pining towards others that are unattainable or impossible.

I understand this sentiment. I have fallen victim to the anguish that accompanies the loss of a relationship that will never materialize. I can recall falling to my knees in sorrow, attempting whole-heartedly to find a solution, and relishing in every moment with that person like it was the last. In some ways, it's good to feel deeply. I always say, the stronger the emotions during the day, the better the day. It helps us remember and distinguish moments from the mundane, both good and bad. Anyhow, I digress...

Yes, it is good to feel strong emotions. As a friend put it to me today, when you are grieving for the loss of someone (speaking literally of death), it's healthy to feel emotions and recognize them. I absolutely agree with this sentiment, but after a short time, after death, we want to stop feeling so awful. We start to want to wake up feeling restored.

Many a time, I have heard relationship stories of people getting caught in a cycle of sadness over a relationship. It lasts weeks or months. Yes, healing time is important, but how much of that time is genuine attempts to lift the self up and say, "I don't want to feel bad anymore, I want to feel better again"? I would argue, rarely. We might commonly say, "I want this feeling to go away. And I'm going to reconcile it by trying to make myself available to my ex-lover", which of course only begins the spiral of destruction again.

I have begun to think that many single people I meet, "grieving" over a lost lover, may actually enjoy this feeling of self pity. Are we truly, at the root, emotionally masochistic? Do we some how gain something from our yearning?

Logic.

Ex-lover = pain. Pain <>Subtracting ex-lover from life yields feeling healthy. Because feeling healthy is better than pain!

Masochistic logic.

Ex-lover + pain = feeling healthy. Adding ex-lover and pain to life yields feeling healthy. Because having my ex-lover and having pain is going to make me feel healthy.

Maybe I shouldn't try to use math to explain this. The idea is that in maso-mode, we determine that attention from our ex-lover will somehow make things better and that our sorrow and tears will somehow help us regain the attention of a lover (or partners, "would-like-to-be" relationships or "we-can't-happen-in-the-long-run" couples). Think of it this way. It's like putting lemon juice in an open wound and thinking it's going to help it heal. Instead, we ought to put a band-aid over it, and not open it back up until the wound has healed.

In the death of a friend or family member, our tears do help us. However, after some time we realize that we HAVE to move on. We have to remember the experience and memories of that person and take that as it is. I recommend we take this practice more into our impossible relationships, recognize the truth and start waking up saying, "I don't want to feel this way anymore. I can make this day better".

Experiences for the Senses

So, I've mentioned before that I love to make lists. I keep a list of all the things I love in life. They are not the bad lists that teens make that are similar to the "top 5" favorites... etc, etc. The teen example below:

5 things I love

1. My family

2. My friends

3. My cellphone

4. My computer

5. My cat, Binky

(and I also want to add my totally cool pair of sketchers!!)

No. Not that list.

The list I keep helps me preserve my favorite sense memories. Many items of my list do not include actual people in my life, nor solely material items. I try to keep a list of simple pleasures that are rendered throughout the seasons. My list also includes items that give me a sense of warmth and pure happiness. They are not extravagant items, nor are they cheesy, shallow points either. Here's a few items:

The smell of burning leaves

Sleeping in on rainy days

Taking photographs with an SLR camera

Singing on an acoustic guitar

Decoding Shakespeare

Why do I keep this list? I think it's useful to store away memories of simple pleasures. To keep a running tally of the beautiful things in life. We get so caught up in the daily rush that we literally forget to "smell the roses" (which was likely at one time on someone's list as a favorite thing). I also like going back to it to remind me that there are simple things in life that surround me all the time, or things I can do to make myself find a place of serenity, if needed.

Very cute.

Perfection and Dating

I see you as perfect.

Never date someone you see as "perfect". First, if you view someone as "perfect", you are therefore putting them on a pedestal, proud of what you have gained and see them as an item to show off to your friends and family. You will initially be blinded by what you see and may accept their mistreatment or cruelty to you.

Second, the "perfect" person will inevitability do something not-so-perfect. Something that will entirely gross you out, shock you, or shake your whole opinion of them. The "perfect" person image is fragile - and likely to be destroyed far too easily.

Third, when one person in a relationship is seen as "perfect", there is inherently a satisfaction with the relationship. This person is already at 100% so there is little need for the growth or change. Growth and change is the foundation for helping to create a positive and deeper relationship. Thinking someone is perfect immediately endangers the relationship.

You see me as perfect.

How awful would it be on the other side to live up the expectations or images that have been placed upon you by your significant other? If someone is being perceived as perfect, then the relationship isn't on the same page, and likely isn't balanced, especially if the perfection image is only being projected on one person. A single person can't carry the weight of expectation. If someone accepts it, then they are probably egotistical and not quite invested in the relationship for the interest of the other person.

We're perfect together!

In using the word "perfect", the real goal is to find someone that is perfect for you. After all, no one is perfect, but the goal is to find someone that works well for you, not fulfill every fantasy that you have decided upon. You should both be accepting of each others' mistakes and flaws, continue to grow together and keep each other honest.

Travels

I have been traveling recently and I'd like to reflect on a few thoughts that I have been contemplating about traveling alone. While I have most often had the company of another, I have had several days walking about, mostly on my own. There are many more reflections to be made about my travels, but I shall keep it to general musings for now.

Firstly, a good map is essential. In one city, I had a great map - in fact, I hardly ever felt lost or directionally confused. In another city, the map I used was vague and unspecified. I have had a very hard time enjoying my stay or feeling welcome when grappling with the navigational challenges.

Here's a few thoughts I wrote down while sitting at a cafe:

"I like traveling alone because more people talk to you. I met a man from who grew up just outside my hometown and one of the curators talked to me for several minutes suggesting things for me to see and places to eat. "

"While I will not show up in as many pictures of my travels since I'm alone - I have much more time for reflection. I can go at my own pace, sit when I like, drink when I like, write when I like. People talk to you and especially out here are incredibly friendly. They will look you in the eye and smile".

"Is it ever too early for gelato? The answer is no. Traveling by myself is quiet - I miss the push of motivation that group travel exerts. But by myself I'm a little lazier, a little more content with carving out a little spot to relax. It's true - I might not see as much but I do get to languish in the idea that it's never too early to enjoy coffee and gelato at 1:00pm in the afternoon."

I also realized the importance of a travel buddy, as I have had two that have accompanied me during various intervals. One was easy going, patient, relaxed and go-with-the-flow. The other was impatient, nervous, and all to eager to plan. My experience with the first was a much more pleasant experience that that of the second. Patience is key - understanding that mistakes are likely to occur while traveling and not hurrying for any particular reason will make the travel process more adventurous and enjoyable.

The Stuff at the End of the Night

Things. Stuff. Possessions.

We have them everywhere. We collect bits of things as we go. As we grow older we expand our space, thus our things expand with us. "Well, I really should have a small table to fill this space. It would be nice to have this cooking utensil. Since my last dvd player broke, I might as well get a new one". And it begins.

I realize that I used to pride myself on being able to fit my whole life in a car. I could pick up and go, if I really wanted. My life was a simple as a few suitcases and a couple of boxes. Somehow, that has changed.

I'm going to be moving soon, into a small space, and I look forward to adjust my lifestyle. Time to go back to the basics.

Life doesn't get easier with more stuff. It just serves as a placeholder. Trade in the stuff for stronger relationships. Start collecting interesting stories, instead of kitchen utensils. Don't buy the new dvd player, but close all the browser windows on your computer, pop in a dvd and cozy in with a friend.

At the end of the night, all the "stuff" doesn't mean you are richer or that it is somehow a comfort at the end of the day. It's better to love one thing that you use everyday, then barely care about the multitude of things that you hardly use or see.

Provoking the beast.

Is it ever fair to hurt someone in order to gain something for yourself? I ask myself this question as I think about my past actions and my own personal philosophy. I believe in giving. I'm a giver in almost all senses of the word. I like to cook in order to share with other people. I like to share stories in hopes of bringing others joy or education. I like to do favors because as much as it helps the other, it makes me feel good too.

Is there ever a time when giving reaches a threshold? I wonder about what I've given to someone else, in exchange for my own happiness. In some ways, it's a sacrifice to give someone happiness even though you're internally struggling. As a friend of mine said recently, "I can get over it. If I give that person the chance to be happy (like with someone else), then I've helped multiply the happiness". In some sense, isn't that what's it all about (and no, do not insert Hokey-Pokey joke here)?

On the contrary, recently another friend of mine asked me, "Aren't we deep down selfish beings?". I told him I don't believe we are. He claimed that in order to get what one wants, it likely involves hurting someone else. He wasn't meaning in a horrible way; He meant it in an awareness to the absence way. So, one has to know pain, before they appreciate health. One has to know sadness, before they appreciate the happiness... and, in his opinion, one has to know jealousy, before one appreciates the things already possessed. Bringing around that kind of awareness has to involve evoking and awaking a beast of another kind.

So which do I believe? I struggle to hurt others on the path to victory, while I realize that letting someone go may mean a sacrifice for myself. Philosophically, as a giver, I cannot condone using and hurting others as a means to get what I want -- even if it brings me the ultimate happiness. I cannot awake the beast of jealousy for my own needs. I leave that kind of action for the villains.

"But seeming so, for my peculiar end:

For when my outward action doth demonstrate

The native act and figure of my heart

In compliment extern, 'tis not long after

But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve

For daws to peck at: I am not what I am."

- Iago, Othello