Self-interest vs. Selfishness

I had a conversation with a friend two nights ago about the difference between acting out of selfishness, and making choices for one's self-interest. I contemplated this thought in the framework of relationships.

I think about the times when I've been selfish in relationships. For example, when I was young and hopelessly naive in college, I insisted that my ex did not need to take medicine to help his psychiatric condition. Somehow, I believed that we loved each other and I would be able to help him be "cured" of any mental instability. This, of course, was not true. I learned a hard lesson through that relationship and learned that selfishness and egotistic attitudes are highly detrimental to two people - a reflection that is so painfully obvious that it's embarrassing to admit even now.

A different kind of selfishness can exist in a relationship where one party continues to pursue the other for reasons none other than to avoid being lonely or to fulfill a sex drive. These are the ones where we find ourselves after a breakup wondering how long this person "kept us around for" or wondering why we are involved without any serious commitment or at least, a conversation about the status of the relationship. We normally feel used. Why? Because there was no consideration to way we felt -- this other person was being completely selfish.

However, there are those occasions where acting for our best self-interest can be perceived as selfishness. In one relationship I had, I walked away from it because things were becoming too settled, too comfortable and much too soon. If I didn't leave, then I would be missing out on experiences and opportunities that I couldn't do while in a relationship. We both had different outlooks for the future and I had to recognize that staying in the relationship would mean giving up opportunities that would allow me to grow and learn about my identify and life choices. He shouted at me, as I loaded my car with a box of my things from his apartment, "You are the most selfish person I know". Was I though? Was leaving him behind to explore myself selfish?

Had I not left, my life would not have shaped the way that it has today. Since that time I have explored and identified understandings of myself that I would never have known if I hadn't walked away. No, I was not selfish. Being selfish would have meant staying in that relationship for the sake of appeasing him and possibly destroying our relationship further down in the long-run. No, this was a case of acting for my best self-interest.

Selfishness means acting only for the self and not taking into consideration the feelings and outcomes for another person. Self-interest means balancing one's own needs with the maintenance of another relationship. For example, walking away to avoid hurting someone later is acting in one's self-interest. A) One's own desires are reached and B) Maintaining the respect of another person's emotions may yield a positive relationship later down the road.

Being single is not about being selfish. Often, it is acting in one's best self-interest. I'm sure many people have experienced the feeling of being with someone just to have someone (selfish). Choosing to be single (or not settling on someone who is "okay") is acting in one's self-interest. Why bother with the heartbreak or formalities of a separation from someone that you are keeping around just to have someone? Be happier single and don't settle. It's in your best interest.